Are you willing to give the gift of non-judgement?
Last week I wrote about the importance of ‘the little things’ when it comes to humans. I promised write about some of the ‘human gifts’ we can give ourselves and others in the interest of getting the best from ourselves and from each other. Here this the first of those gifts.
We all ‘judge’!
Notice the next time you walk into a room, read a message, or hear about a decision someone made, and your mind reaches a verdict (a judgement) before you have the facts – often accompanies by a strong emotional reaction.
It happens fast — often before you’re even aware it’s happening — and most of us never stop to question it.
The gift of non-judgement requires you to develop the habit of NOT accepting the first thing you hear or see, or the first thing someone says, as the truth. I often ask my program participants to repeat after me
‘People don’t tell the truth, and they don’t know what they want!’
– not because they are lying but as a result of the multitude of limitations and biases that make up the human brain.
Humans are, by nature, judgemental. The ability to make such a cognitive leap is a masterful evolutionary cognitive shortcut.
We like to think of ourselves as fair-minded. But most of us judge (jump to conclusions) habitually:
- misunderstanding a colleague’s or child’s intentions
- making an assessment about whether someone is ‘doing their job properly’
- misinterpreting a perceived terse reply
- assuming a story from a third party is the truth
For example: ‘That person seems untrustworthy’ is a judgement based on quick impressions—not a full examination of the evidence.
Most of the time, we make these magical leaps with limited useful information.
What’s happening in your brain?
Judgement is the brain’s quick way of reaching a conclusion without carefully analysing every detail. It uses past experiences, patterns, context, predictions and assumptions to make a fast ‘best guess’ so that effective action or response can occur in a timely manner – particularly in times of physical danger. However, the brain does not easily distinguish between imminent physical danger and social danger, and this clever shortcut can lead to bias or inaccuracy.
Here’s why. Your social brain, in the absence of information, is designed to do three things in order to ‘protect’ you:
- Fill in the gaps: Make a up a story; predict/guess what is happening or what might happen next or as a consequence; interpret motive
- Assume the worst: Take a negative view before a positive one – just in case!
- Relate socially: Assume this is about me; relationship-related; group/tribe/belonging related – ‘they’re annoyed with me’, ‘they don’t rate my work’; or deficit-related – ‘they’re not pulling their weight’ (because it’s not working the way I want it to!!).
In the most extreme cases we judge the character of a person based on hearsay or a number of events that we find unpleasant. This is not really fair.
Your brain thinks it is protecting you!
The thing is…your social brain evolved to protect you from being ostracised from the ‘tribe’, not to be accurate, because across most of human history, wrongly assuming danger cost far less than wrongly assuming safety. A missed social threat could mean exclusion from the group, and exclusion could mean death.
This instinct is useful when it’s genuinely protecting you. It’s not useful when it’s manufacturing a story about someone’s character from a two-line email, or deciding what a client tor colleague thinks of you from a delayed reply.
The ability to notice this ‘normal, but not useful’ human habit and self-regulate that judgement is rare, but very possible, with self-awareness and practice.
Giving the gift of non-judgement
Showing up to every interaction with the lens of non-judgement is a gift. It’s making the shift from assumption to curiosity and taking the time to gather facts and check your own bias before choosing your response.
Start noticing your judgemental moments. A few questions worth asking in those moments …
- What do I actually know here, versus what have I filled in?
- Am I assuming something based on what has happened in the past – and is that fair?
- Is there an equally plausible, more generous explanation for the same facts?
- What would I need to ask or notice to find out, rather than assume?
- If I act on this judgement and I’m wrong, what does it cost — them, or me?
- Would I say this interpretation out loud, to the person it’s about?
None of this means dropping your judgement or becoming naive about people’s intentions. It means noticing the moment your brain has quietly mistaken a guess for a fact, and getting curious before you act on it.
The gift of non-judgement isn’t pretending you don’t notice. It’s catching the gap-fill before it becomes the story you act on it — and staying open to what else might be true.
