In my conversation and coaching workshops, we discuss the neuroscience of human motivation, usually in the context of you as the coach assisting another person with their thinking.  This is either in the context of a ‘coaching conversation’ or in ‘taking a coaching approach’ to a conversation.

Let’s flip it for a minute!

It’s really important to check your own motivation in a conversation.

Your motivation in a conversation can strongly influence the level at which the conversation resides.  Conversations can occur at three levels…

Level 1 – PUSH Conversations (I WIN) – these conversations are about you: I must tell you what I think… I know the answer… I can save us time because I have the right answer!

In these conversations you have a need or desire to TELL, to PUSH your beliefs and values and knowledge on to someone else – whether they want it or not!

Level 2 – PULL Conversations (I WIN AND YOU WIN) – these conversations are still about you, with a pretence that they are also about the other person: I am happy to listen to what you have to say, and then you need to hear me out… we need to compromise to reach agreement… I have the right answer but OK, we can use a bit of yours as well.

In these conversation you have a need or desire to PERSUADE, to PULL them over to your way of thinking.

Level 3 – PARTNER Conversations (IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING) – these conversations aren’t about anyone, they are about the organisation, the situation, the team or the challenge: Let’s figure out what the vision really is here… I love your idea, tell me more… I’m not sure about that idea, tell me more.

In these conversations you have the ability to let go of your needs and desires and simply create new thinking, you PARTNER with them to create great new stuff!

This sounds so easy, and technically it’s not that difficult a concept to get your head around, but it’s really hard for us because we are hardwired to protect before we connect!

Pushing and winning are reward behaviours in the brain (from our perspective, not from others). And we have lazy brains that allow cognitive biases to make non-conscious choices for us or influence us in ways that are not always useful. And most importantly, when we ourselves feel under ‘threat’ our ability to be objective and to function at level 3 is severely diminished, if not entirely shut down.

These conversation levels apply whether you are at work, at home or at play. What motivation do you generally use in conversations with your children or your partner? Do you tend to converse at a different level with a direct report compared to a peer or manager? Are conversations all about you, or about what’s useful?

Take some time to be mindful of your motivation in your conversations and then notice the impact in the moment, after and down the track.

Are you pushing…….pulling………or partnering?

STOP….BREATH….and aim to have conversations where you really do let go of all assumptions, personal needs and motivations, and explore the thinking and ideas of those around you more fully.

Michelle